Coming Out Of the Dark
Well... Here's to a fresh start.
I'd like to say that this is going to be that easy. That sharing my healing journey will inspire, uplift and spark something new inside of me, causing a chain reaction in others to share their experiences and light the fire inside of us all.
It could very well turn out to be that way.
Someday.
I've been hiding out for years, making excuses to more easily dodge the truth. I thought if I could focus on fiction, and creation distracting myself from my old emotional wounds that creating stories would be a great way to inadvertently address these issues. That if I worked hard enough at it, the rest of that healing would be a breeze. Little did I know that bits of the trauma were sneaking out through my writing.
I was terrified. If I could see myself here, then the other people that had hurt me, could see themselves, or recognize the situations I'd fabricated the story around.
I decided that maybe writing, which I had begun at 8 years old, was just too risky, too painful. It had become too much. The anxiety had grown so great that the idea of the act of writing, once known to me as my first love, brought panic, tears, and physical shaking. It wasn't for me anymore.
Looking back, I think I was just deeply afraid of what else would come through. I was afraid to let go. To change, to succeed, to fail. I had convinced myself that it didn't matter if I wrote through it, or if I quit writing altogether.
So I quit, and I focused on other areas of my life. I hid in streaming shows and electronic games, and social media. I would knit and binge watch TV on the weekends filling my time with the idea that I was creating a gift of love for someone else so it had to be cathartic for my healing. Right?
I was distracted nearly every moment of every day. Before sleep, I would have my e-book in one ear while I played on my phone alternating from games to social media, to online shopping to emails, to articles. bouncing around in my own head accomplishing absolutely nothing, least of all sleep.
My relationships were suffering. My attention span was shot, and I didn't think I was bothered by it at all.
I decided that maybe writing, which I had begun at 8 years old, was just too risky, too painful. It had become too much. The anxiety had grown so great that the idea of the act of writing, once known to me as my first love, brought panic, tears, and physical shaking. It wasn't for me anymore.
Looking back, I think I was just deeply afraid of what else would come through. I was afraid to let go. To change, to succeed, to fail. I had convinced myself that it didn't matter if I wrote through it, or if I quit writing altogether.
So I quit, and I focused on other areas of my life. I hid in streaming shows and electronic games, and social media. I would knit and binge watch TV on the weekends filling my time with the idea that I was creating a gift of love for someone else so it had to be cathartic for my healing. Right?
I was distracted nearly every moment of every day. Before sleep, I would have my e-book in one ear while I played on my phone alternating from games to social media, to online shopping to emails, to articles. bouncing around in my own head accomplishing absolutely nothing, least of all sleep.
My relationships were suffering. My attention span was shot, and I didn't think I was bothered by it at all.
The truth does not allow for hiding. It always makes itself known.
During this period of time, my health had depleted, I'd gained 30 lbs. over 3 months despite the decision and attempts to eat healthier, started getting debilitating headaches, and I was exhausted no matter how much rest I got. I went to my doctor to figure out what may be going on. After some pretty rigorous testing, we discovered I was suffering from hypothyroidism, which caused the weight gain, vitamin D deficiency, adrenal fatigue, high blood sugar, almost to pre-diabetic range, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure.
These factors were terrifying. At 40 years old I was slowly killing myself. Having severe sleep apnea, I was already at a greater risk for stroke and heart attack. I had to find a way to fix this.
As a single mom, my kids need me more than anyone. So I started with medication to treat all of the immediate issues. Blood pressure meds, thyroid meds, Anxiety ADD meds and supplements galore. I quit all soda, started seeing a nutritionist and only drank one coffee per day. I changed my diet and eliminated as much sugar as I could, and tried to avoid fried foods. I thought I was being mindful about the process and took classes on stress management and holistic women's health. Both proved to be integral to begin my healing process.
One of the things I discovered to be the foundation; BE PRESENT.
To be here in this moment, phone down, electronics silenced, TV off and just sharing in the experience with my family, or my job, or my studies. Not focused on tomorrow, or my grocery list or the chores I had to complete. Not my next ten minutes, or my dreams of the future, or my debt, or my past failures. Just to be right here. Right now. To listen, observe and enjoy the moment with my family.
Piece of cake right?
No, it wasn't.
I'd grown so accustomed to losing myself in not having to invest in the present, or in others, that I had no idea what to do when I got there. It had become uncomfortable to sit still and just listen to my own children. What was wrong with me?!!
It took practice. The love was there, the desire was there but I realized that I had to shift my perception. I had to be intentional about unplugging the electronics, or responding to the text message, and really tune my attention into the present moment. This seemed nearly impossible.
At first practice, my mom was on her cellphone while my sister and my aunt had loud conversations around me sifting through the feeds on their phones. Occasionally distracted by a story or photo or a text message and laughing to themselves, or interrupting to share with the group.
My children weren't engaged in the conversation, but were on their own devices, earbuds plugged in while the television blared. My daughter, occasionally sent me a text message from 6 feet away.
Our time together had evolved into sharing the same space on our own phones or pads or being sucked into our own TV shows, interrupting or talking over one another. This is what my space had evolved into. This is how we shared our time. Is this how the rest of the world lived? Interacted with one another?
As I was observing this scene, making this kind of change felt impossible. I realized the weight of shifting out of this space was a greater task than simply doing it. I could not perform this feat alone.
I did make some changes on my own, but it is a difficult adjustment. Some of my family is still addicted to their devices, and not very responsive when I ask for their attention or to try and be present when we're spending time together, but I'm hopeful that with practice, we will get there.
I am not without fault when it comes to use of electronics. I do still play games on my phone or get distracted with Facebook, but I do try to be present when someone is talking with me by putting my phone down or limiting the time I spend using it in general. I now use my phone to play meditation music at the end of my day and occasionally play games on the weekends before bed or when I first wake up in the morning, on a break or in downtime when I'm alone.
In my reflection, I wonder how things would be if I hadn't tried to make any changes. It makes me wonder what my children will remember of their childhood. Of me. Of the lessons they learned, or experiences they had. I would have robbed them of our precious moments together.
It is a process. Change takes adjustment, and we all struggle with change.
Learning to quiet my mind and my body in meditation, even just ten minutes of meditation a day, or a week and focus on the natural rhythm of my breath has helped me to start that shift within. To locate the human inside.
It is going to take a lot of work to unplug. To be mindful and intentional of the time I spend in social media or the internet, and I don't want to hide from my truth, or my pain, or my fear, or my failures anymore.
Maybe you don't either.
These factors were terrifying. At 40 years old I was slowly killing myself. Having severe sleep apnea, I was already at a greater risk for stroke and heart attack. I had to find a way to fix this.
As a single mom, my kids need me more than anyone. So I started with medication to treat all of the immediate issues. Blood pressure meds, thyroid meds, Anxiety ADD meds and supplements galore. I quit all soda, started seeing a nutritionist and only drank one coffee per day. I changed my diet and eliminated as much sugar as I could, and tried to avoid fried foods. I thought I was being mindful about the process and took classes on stress management and holistic women's health. Both proved to be integral to begin my healing process.
One of the things I discovered to be the foundation; BE PRESENT.
To be here in this moment, phone down, electronics silenced, TV off and just sharing in the experience with my family, or my job, or my studies. Not focused on tomorrow, or my grocery list or the chores I had to complete. Not my next ten minutes, or my dreams of the future, or my debt, or my past failures. Just to be right here. Right now. To listen, observe and enjoy the moment with my family.
Piece of cake right?
No, it wasn't.
I'd grown so accustomed to losing myself in not having to invest in the present, or in others, that I had no idea what to do when I got there. It had become uncomfortable to sit still and just listen to my own children. What was wrong with me?!!
It took practice. The love was there, the desire was there but I realized that I had to shift my perception. I had to be intentional about unplugging the electronics, or responding to the text message, and really tune my attention into the present moment. This seemed nearly impossible.
At first practice, my mom was on her cellphone while my sister and my aunt had loud conversations around me sifting through the feeds on their phones. Occasionally distracted by a story or photo or a text message and laughing to themselves, or interrupting to share with the group.
My children weren't engaged in the conversation, but were on their own devices, earbuds plugged in while the television blared. My daughter, occasionally sent me a text message from 6 feet away.
Our time together had evolved into sharing the same space on our own phones or pads or being sucked into our own TV shows, interrupting or talking over one another. This is what my space had evolved into. This is how we shared our time. Is this how the rest of the world lived? Interacted with one another?
As I was observing this scene, making this kind of change felt impossible. I realized the weight of shifting out of this space was a greater task than simply doing it. I could not perform this feat alone.
I did make some changes on my own, but it is a difficult adjustment. Some of my family is still addicted to their devices, and not very responsive when I ask for their attention or to try and be present when we're spending time together, but I'm hopeful that with practice, we will get there.
I am not without fault when it comes to use of electronics. I do still play games on my phone or get distracted with Facebook, but I do try to be present when someone is talking with me by putting my phone down or limiting the time I spend using it in general. I now use my phone to play meditation music at the end of my day and occasionally play games on the weekends before bed or when I first wake up in the morning, on a break or in downtime when I'm alone.
In my reflection, I wonder how things would be if I hadn't tried to make any changes. It makes me wonder what my children will remember of their childhood. Of me. Of the lessons they learned, or experiences they had. I would have robbed them of our precious moments together.
It is a process. Change takes adjustment, and we all struggle with change.
Learning to quiet my mind and my body in meditation, even just ten minutes of meditation a day, or a week and focus on the natural rhythm of my breath has helped me to start that shift within. To locate the human inside.
It is going to take a lot of work to unplug. To be mindful and intentional of the time I spend in social media or the internet, and I don't want to hide from my truth, or my pain, or my fear, or my failures anymore.
Maybe you don't either.
Something led you here.
So, I encourage you to speak out; to reach out to someone else. Share with me, share with each other, some of your darkness ways that you avoid your pain and ways you have found to light your own shadow side so you can be open to learning how to forgive yourself, let it go, transform it into a better version of you, and begin to heal.
We deserve better than our demons. To be brought down to our base elements and held there forced to function day by day. We deserve better than to hide from responsibility or fear or disappointment or grief. We can rise above these things in other ways. Ways that truly heal us, instead of masking our truth. We need to wake up, and show up to this life and to our relationships, to give the best of ourselves to the present moment.
Let's help each other! Let's lift each other up! Let's lead others to the idea that we are all deserving of freedom from the dark moments of pain, guilt, fear, and insecurity in our lives. That we deserve to share in moments with our family, and our friends where we are engaged in the present, in their presence and can truly share with each other.
And with that... We'll let the story begin... Who wants to go next?
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